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Lufthansa makes dedicated staff look bad: The eTN Hero is Patricia Dzai of Swissport Johannesburg

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Lufthansa

“My personal hero today is Ms. Patricia Dzai. Patricia works for Swissport in Johannesburg, South Africa,” said eTN Publisher Juergen Steinmetz. Swissport is one of the largest aviation ground-handling agencies operating in countries around the world.

Major airlines hire Swissport to manage customer relations and logistics when it comes to baggage handling, including lost or misplaced items.

Lufthansa German Airlines’ ground handler in Johannesburg is Swissport. I recently traveled from Nice to Cape Town via Frankfurt and Johannesburg on Lufthansa German Airlines. I am a United Airlines Star Alliance Gold member and traveled on Lufthansa in Business class. Lufthansa is a member of Star Alliance.

When I arrived in Johannesburg, I heard my name called by Lufthansa’s lost baggage office handled by Swissport.

I was told my tube was still in Frankfurt, and they would put it on the next flight to Johannesburg. I explained it was of utmost importance to have the tube for an important trade show event, the World Travel Market in Cape Town, in the morning.

Patricia Dzai, the Swissport agent in Johannesburg, wanted to make sure this would be possible and sent an urgent message to Lufthansa in Frankfurt. The message said:

 

 

 

 

 

I was pleased to know my tube would go on LH 576 directly to Cape Town almost in time for the start of World Travel Market.

I went on to fly to Cape Town and received a text message in the evening saying my tube would be on the Lufthansa flight to Johannesburg, which was different from what Patricia had requested. Since it was late and the Swissport office in Johannesburg was closed, I was able to find a non-published phone number for Lufthansa baggage service in Frankfurt. Lufthansa, like most airlines, is hiding phone numbers to encourage passengers to communicate only by email.

I was told by Lufthansa Baggage Service in Frankfurt no such message to forward my tube to Cape Town was ever received by Swissport Johannesburg. The agent went on to say that passengers are often not told the truth by Swissport agents.

The Lufthansa agent in Frankfurt explained that his job was not to help me, since this was only handled in Johannesburg. I argued my tube is in Frankfurt and not Johannesburg, and the handling agent for Swissport in Johannesburg was closed.

The agent then said he was now doing a one-time exception for me and would reroute my tube on LH576 directly to Cape Town. He said there were 5 hours to get this done, still plenty of time according to him.

The next day I received another message telling me again the tube was on its way to Johannesburg instead of Cape Town.

I called Swissport in Johannesburg, and the news not could have been worse. They told me, apologizing, that my tube was still in Frankfurt for a second day, and they did not know why.

I again called the baggage-handling office in Frankfurt and was again told it’s all Swissport’s mistake for not telling them where to send it.

This time I was angry and called Swissport Johannesburg again. I asked Patricia why she was lying about this. I told her she never sent this request to Frankfurt, according to Lufthansa.

Ten minutes later, I received an email with a time-stamped screenshot from Patricia Dzai showing me exactly what was requested by her in the first place.

Patricia actually had gone out of her way originally to make sure I would be united with my tube on time and in Cape Town. I felt bad thinking she didn’t care and didn’t do anything, when in fact she did.

It shows that big companies like Lufthansa have a serious customer service issue. They hide behind a huge system and are trained to say it’s not their job and simply blame others for company shortcomings.

There was no way I could talk to anyone at Lufthansa about this, and my urgent email to them on the day I was trying to get the tube re-routed was just responded to 2 weeks after I was already back home in Hawaii. Lufthansa offered a 200 euro compensation.

No explanation was given and no apology for accusing Patricia Dzai and Swissport for not doing their job.

I finally received my tube on the last day after the trade show and took it back to the US unopened. When I changed planes in Frankfurt, I asked the agent working in the Senator Lounge to speak to a supervisor in baggage handling about this case and compensation. She told me I have to send an email, which I had already done days ago.

She gave me some chocolate and said they get customers’ complaints all the time and do their best to help and respond, but the back-up system by the airline is not there.

It’s all about a giant non-caring anonymous machine.

I extend my apologies to Patricia Dzai from Swissport, as I now understand she was also a victim of shortcomings created by Lufthansa German Airlines.

Patricia Dzai is the eTN Hero for today.

Travel News | eTurboNews

IMEX exhibitors invited to make Sustainable Exhibiting Pledge

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IMEX in Frankfurt has invited exhibitors at this year’s show (21 -23 May) to make a Sustainable Exhibiting Pledge as it continues to increase its commitment to demonstrating and leading through best practice in sustainability.

Carina Bauer, CEO of the IMEX Group, said: “Our approach to sustainability is to lead by example, to encourage others to aim higher and to shine a spotlight on key industry campaigns. This year I’m inviting exhibitors to make a sustainable exhibiting pledge, to implement three simple green initiatives to help reduce their environmental impact at the show. A list of ideas on how to do this features in our IMEX in Frankfurt 2019 Sustainable Exhibiting Guide.”

In January the IMEX Group highlighted its commitment by making sustainability the third ‘pillar’ of this year’s IMEX Talking Point “Imagination.”

Carina Bauer explained: “We’re asking everyone in the global meetings industry to imagine a new beginning: to ask what if we all really committed to cutting down waste?

“We’ve continued to improve our own sustainability performance at both of our shows each year and we’re proud to say that our Frankfurt show is now 100 per cent hydro-powered. Thanks to our waste donation program plus the responsible recycling systems at Messe Frankfurt, we now send zero waste to landfill. This is virtually unheard of in the exhibition business!

“Our work to reduce and recycle more waste generated by both exhibitors and visitors is explained in our first ever IMEX in Frankfurt sustainability report which joins our annual IMEX America sustainability report.”

In line with its determination to lead the industry forward, IMEX was a launch partner when the Events Industry Council introduced its Principles of Sustainable Events in January after hosting two forums at IMEX in Frankfurt and IMEX America in 2018 when these principles were formulated.

A further element of its commitment to leading the industry, the IMEX team believes in sharing what it knows and has learned through experience. At IMEX in Frankfurt, learning about sustainability will feature prominently throughout the show. Starting on EduMonday, 20 May, there will be more than 20 opportunities to learn about sustainability among the 250 plus sessions in the extensive education program at the Inspiration Hub. What’s more, the first ever Sustainability Policy Round table, supported by Edmonton, will bring together industry leaders and experts to share insights at the InterContinental Frankfurt on 21 May.

Furthermore, in partnership with the Events Industry Council (EIC), IMEX will salute an organization making a significant commitment to reducing its environmental impact by announcing the winner of the IMEX-EIC Innovation in Sustainability Award at the IMEX Gala Dinner on 22 May.

Carina Bauer, CEO of the IMEX Group, says: “At both shows we continue to work closely with our partners including Meet Green, EIC, The Venetian®| The Palazzo® and the Sands Expo®, Messe Frankfurt and GES. We are wholeheartedly committed to providing education, inspiration and leadership on sustainability issues. The business events industry still has a long way to go before thinking green is the first thought, not the last.”

Travel News | eTurboNews

Mediterranean Resort & Hotel Real Estate Forum returns to Greece

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Now in its fifth year, the Mediterranean Resort & Hotel Real Estate Forum (MR&H) will return to Greece for the second year in succession this October. The event, hosted by Questex, is dedicated to the investment, development and operation of resorts and hotels within the Mediterranean region. This niche, but highly specialized area, comprises various elements; hotel, residential, marinas, health clubs, children’s activities, retail, sports facilities, F&B, all of which need to be carefully woven together with seamless operation to create a successful resort.

The conference will be held at the Hilton Athens on the 29-31st October 2019. A fitting venue for Hilton’s celebration of 100 years in hospitality and the continuation of the premise that the group was founded on; “travel can make the world a better place”.

The dynamic growth of tourism in Greece continues to boost investment activity throughout the country and throughout the wider Mediterranean region. Speaking at MIPIM last month, Secretary General for Tourism Policy and Development George Tziallas said; “Half of all funding under Greece’s 2016 development law has been channeled into tourism ventures, while more than 400 investment plans have been submitted in the last three years to the tourism ministry for approval.”

This statement is supported by data recently released by Horwath HTL during the International Hotel Investment Forum (IHIF) which revealed Greece is a prime investment opportunity for international hotel chains as only 1.7% of total units currently operate under an international brand. Results from the joint investor sentiment survey from Tranio and IHIF showed Greece listed as one of the European countries that is most attractive for hotel real estate investment.

Stakeholders from leading operators including Thomas Cook, Club Med and Nobu attend the event alongside investors from KSL, Starwood Capital Group and Dolphin Capital all recognizing the value of coming together as a collective to debate, converse and discuss.

Registration for MR&H 2019 is now open and delegate tickets can be purchased at the best value Early Bird rate until the end of May.

Enterprise Greece have pledged their continued support for MR&H and Grigoris Stergioulis, Chairman & CEO at Enterprise Greece said in relation to the ongoing collaboration; “Building on the success of the event last year, the positive working relationship with Questex and the significant opportunities that exist for investors in the Greek hotel market, we’re thrilled to once again partner with MR&H and look forward to welcoming the event to Greece for the second year.”

Alexi Khajavi, Managing Director of EMEA Hospitality + Travel Group, Questex said; “The tourism and hospitality prosperity that Greece is enjoying is leading to significant activity from serious investors and developers. As a conference host, our role is to facilitate these meetings, connections and interactions in an environment that is educational and energizing. With the continued support from Enterprise Greece, Hilton providing the setting, and amongst very encouraging industry data, we’re confident that MR&H will prove to be an event not to be missed for those currently active or keen to do business within the Mediterranean resort and hotel space”.

Travel News | eTurboNews

eTN Hero: Cordelia Igel, team leader at Vox Restaurant, Grand Hyatt Hotel Berlin

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Many of us traveling around the globe on business have travel stories to tell. I spend more than 100 fully-paid nights every year in Hyatt Hotels around the world. Doing this, you get to know a brand more closely.

I am collecting my own list of heroes and honoring each of them eTN Heroes. You cannot buy eTN Heroes, and this title is a publisher’s recommendation based on personal experience.

I realize there are so many heroes in the hospitality industry and even more in the rest of the travel and tourism industry, so my personal experience is only a very small token of well-deserved recognition.

Today, I would like to introduce Cordelia Igel, a senior team leader at Vox Restaurant at the Grand Hyatt, Berlin, Germany as the latest eTN Hero.

Travelers like me experience hotels as a second home. When something doesn’t make sense, I am always outspoken and hope my criticism is heard. I want the businesses that cater to my travel to do well.

Loving my espresso every day is a passion many fellow travelers share. For me, it doesn’t make sense when international hotels cannot see that good espresso is a major selling point. For me, it’s a major buying point when selecting a hotel.

For example, I stopped staying at the Marriott Newark Airport where the Starbucks in this hotel is only open from 6 am to 10 am.

It boggles my mind because people come in 24 hours a day because after all, it’s an airport hotel.

With travelers arriving or leaving this hotel don’t always go by Eastern Standard time.

A good cup of coffee becomes as important as a good bed or a hot shower.

The same goes for food. I select hotels where I can get my breakfast, lunch, or dinner 24/7 because my body time clock is not always synchronized with the time in the destination.

Mistakes happen, especially when you’re jetlagged. One of the worst was when I picked up a suitcase that belonged to another passenger in Tokyo after arriving from Abu Dhabi and showed up at the Grand Hyatt Tokyo with the wrong luggage. Takashi Kai, Assistant Manager at the Grand Hyatt Tokyo, was my first eTN Hero that day and managed this impossible and frustrating situation for me.

Here why I am so thankful to Cordelia Igel, the senior team leader at Vox Restaurant at the Grand Hyatt Berlin, my latest eTN Hero.

In March during ITB  I stayed at the hotel for 8 nights.

The hotel has a fantastic breakfast and a great pool/gym area along with a very central and exciting location close to Potsdamer Platz.

Rooms are a little small and average in Berlin, but acceptable. I may have been spoiled. I stayed at the Hyatt Haus Duesseldorf before arriving in Berlin during the same trip and also one night at the Park Hyatt Hamburg and loved my apartment and hotel suite. My apartment at Duesseldorf Hyatt Haus was over the top – washer, dryer, living room, bedroom, and an outside patio with a million dollar view, and enough space to entertain 100 people.

Here is why Cordelia at the Grand Hyatt Berlin is my hero. Attending a very busy trade show is always a challenge when managing a busy scheduled and sleep. My morning espresso is of utmost importance. In the past, when staying at the Grand Hyatt Hotel in Berlin, I went to Starbucks across the street from the hotel, but this year, Starbucks was no longer there.

What were my options? As a Globalist member in the Hyatt loyalty program, my breakfast is always included. Hyatt Germany is not one of the hotels forcing Globalists to take their breakfast only in the Club lounge.

The continental breakfast at the Hyatt Grand Clun is usually not comparable with the wide variety of food found at VOX restaurant.

So everything was perfect in the morning, right? Wrong!

When trying the Club lounge espresso, I should have known it wasn’t up to my standards as it was served from a push-button machine. However, not all Grand Clubs are the same. At the Grand Hyatt Seoul, Korea the Espresso machine is the best I found in the Hyatt system so far.

At the Grand Hyatt Berlin, when dining in the hotel’s 5-star restaurant VOX, a 3-star espresso is served from a push-button machine.

When I asked the lead server, Cordelia, why they are serving such a superb breakfast and offer only a push button machine-made espresso she offered a solution.

The only good espresso machine in the hotel not using push-buttons was at the hotel bar. Cordelia went to the hotel bar and personally hand-crafted a cup of real espresso for me. She also managed to bring it back within one minute after pouring. Magical!

Every morning after that, Ms. Igel knew what to do. And for that extra touch of service and not hesitating a second to go above and beyond, Vielen Dank Frau Igel, you are my eTN Hero today.

 

 

 

 

Travel News | eTurboNews

Syrian Tourism Minister: Work in progress to attract tourists from Russia

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Syria’s authorities are making persistent efforts to attract guests from Russia, with religious tourism viewed as a major area, Syrian Tourism Minister Rami Radwan Martini said on Friday.

“Work is in progress to attract tourists from Russia. The first area is religious tourism. Russians may be interested in such places as Maaloula, Saidnaya, Aleppo and Damascus,” he said.

According to the minister, the second area is the development of the coastal tourism infrastructure. Russia’s capital is being attracted to do that, he noted.

“Our participation, that is, of the Syrian Tourism Ministry and travel companies, in an exhibition in Moscow is expected. At that exhibition, we will present videos, booklets and other materials about Syria’s places of interest that we offer to visit,” the minister said.

He added that the restoration of antiquities was in full swing. According to Martini, the Syrian authorities have given new life to the historical markets in Homs.

“Also, a large number of churches has been restored in the Old City of Homs. The biggest mosque in the region, Khalid ibn al-Walid Mosque, was completely destroyed. We have been able to restore it,” he added.

As for Aleppo, the Old City has been fully restored there. “We include every district that has been restored in our tourist plan to make sure there is a tourist flow there,” the minister said.

Travel News | eTurboNews

Solomon Islands dive operators to establish formal association

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A major step forward for the future promotion and development of the Solomon Islands dive tourism sector, the destination’s main dive operators have agreed to combine resources to create a formal representative body – Dive Operators Solomon Islands (DOSI).

The move follows a recent forum in Honiara facilitated by Strongim Bisnis, an Australian government initiative working in partnership with local companies and operators to promote business growth.

All participants unanimously agreed on the need for a formal association to champion issues affecting the local dive industry in relation to the overall growth of the tourism industry.

Forum attendees included Tulagi Dive, Raiders Hotel & Dive, Driftwood Solomon Islands, Biliki Cruises, Dive Munda/Solomon Islands Dive Expeditions, Yawana Dive, Dive Gizo and Uepi Island Resort

Gizo-based Sanbis Resort and Solomon Dive Adventures are also expected to become DOSI members.

Other stakeholders taking part included the Ministry of Culture & Tourism, Tourism Solomons, Solomon Airlines, and the Solomon Islands Chamber of Commerce & Industry.

Representatives from the Australian Department of Foreign Affairs & Trade and NZAid also attended.

Welcoming the development, Tourism CEO, Josefa ‘Jo’ Tuamoto underlined the important role a strong, united dive operators’ association can play in helping to shape the country’s tourism future.

“This has certainly been the case in several of our neighbouring destinations where dive operators have combined resources to form industry bodies and in the process taken action in helping to propel increased international visitation numbers,” Mr Tuamoto said.

“From our perspective, tourism is ever growing in importance as a key economical driver for the Solomon Islands and with international divers making up a large percentage of the 28,000 international visitors we host every year, we need to do all possible to ensure we maximise the opportunity.

“Having a strong, uniform voice with the ability to help raise and tackle pertinent issues affecting this key sector is timely.

“This voice in synch with stakeholders will enable us jointly to drive what has the potential to act as a very powerful industry lobby.”

The Solomon Islands is renowned as one of the world’s foremost dive locations.

Just last December the Solomons Islands was named one of the world’s top 10 dive destination’s in the prestigious annual ‘Dive Travel Awards’ conducted by the world’s largest dive publication, British-based Dive Magazine UK.

In 2017 CNN Travel ranked the Solomon Islands as one of its 10 best snorkelling locations.

The destination’s 992 islands and unspoilt coral reefs literally teem with huge numbers and unique varieties of marine life.

Add to this the dozens of WWII shipwrecks and downed aircraft that litter the seabed, so much so that in one area just a short journey from the country’s capital Honiara has been renamed ‘Iron Bottom Sound’.

Travel News | eTurboNews

Excellence Group Luxury Hotels & Resorts rebranded

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With a mission to exceed guests’ highest expectations in every aspect possible, Excellence Group Luxury Hotels and Resorts has become the Caribbean’s most trusted name in all inclusive luxury travel. The family-owned and -operated group, which owns and manages five-star, award-winning resorts in Mexico, the Dominican Republic, and Jamaica, will continue to deliver stunning properties and unmatched service as it enters its next chapter with The Excellence Collection.

The Excellence Collection will encompass the group’s three high end brands: the adults-only Excellence Resorts with all inclusive properties in Cancun, the Riviera Maya, Punta Cana, and Montego Bay; Beloved Hotels for boutique adults-only all inclusive escapes; and Finest Resorts offering modern all inclusive luxury for all ages.

With last year’s opening of Excellence Oyster Bay and plans for a Finest Punta Cana in 2020, the company has focused on new ways to meet the ever-changing needs of the market, and has created The Excellence Collection to do so. The Excellence Collection brings a new brand identity with modern, updated logos and dedicated hyperfocus on the unique offerings of each of group’s properties.

These new elements mark an important milestone for the hospitality group, which has been experiencing rapid growth in the last decade. With three key pillars of Bespoke Service, Extraordinary Moments, and Innovative Curation at the core of The Excellence Collection, the parent brand is a promise made to each and every Excellence Collection guest.

“The Excellence Collection is an evolution of Excellence Group Luxury Hotels & Resorts. Our three pillars have been thoughtfully defined, with the end goal to deliver an authentic experience that lasts well beyond the guests’ stay. We do so through a personal and curated approach to luxury,” said The Excellence Collection’s Vice President of Sales & Marketing, Mr. Domingo Aznar.

Travel News | eTurboNews

IMEX to deliver surprise and creativity with new Discovery Zone

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Holograms, robots, magic, music and art are among the surprises set to inspire and delight attendees at IMEX in Frankfurt, taking place 21- 23 May.

The show’s new Discovery Zone is packed with education and experiences to fire up the imagination of event planners and exhibitors alike. It’s designed to help them to question the conventional and explore fresh approaches to business events, with a strong emphasis on ‘experiential’.

Carina Bauer, CEO of the IMEX Group, explains: “There are some surprises in store for attendees this year! We don’t believe in ‘business as usual’ and are always evolving and looking for new and engaging ways to encourage innovation in the industry – our new Discovery Zone is the perfect way to do this.”

Robots and holograms

Many innovations at the Discovery Zone turn conventional thinking on its head. Think a piano is played using hands? Think again! ‘Mister Piano’ is a walking piano played using the feet and attendees can put their fancy footwork to the test to hit the right notes. Attendees can also go hands-on and tap into their inner artist at a painting party, craft their own bespoke luggage tags and even take part in fire-infused magic tricks. A talking robot, holographic show and 360degree photography booth are also among the engaging experiences this year.

Practical applications of event tech, diversity and a firm focus on future-thinking all form part of a packed program of sessions at The ZEUS Innovators Club. Attendees will also find the Inspiration Hub – the show’s learning powerhouse – in the Discovery Zone, with sessions covering hot topics such as sustainability and diversity to business skills and creative learning.

Tap into your creative streak at the new Discovery Zone

Fresh green grass and a swing

Prepare for sensory overload and explore the great outdoors while dining indoors at the show’s food court – this has been transformed into Central Park, complete with trees, grass and even a swing! Attendees can also kick back with table football, table tennis and other games for some purposeful rest and relaxation.

Carina Bauer continues: “We know our show delivers significant business benefit to buyers and exhibitors. We also know it’s important for them to have the time and space to experiment, discover new experiences and gather fuel for fresh, innovative ideas. Our new Discovery Zone is set to deliver a huge dose of creativity, with a few surprises along the way. Inspired by this year’s Imagination Talking Point, we asked….what if we wove more experiential and fun elements into the show? What if that translated into more business benefit for everyone attending?”

As well as exploring the new corners of the show, attendees can explore new corners of host city, Frankfurt, thanks to a new interactive accommodation booking map. The map on the IMEX website, powered by Stay 22, provides a simple and efficient overview of many of the independent accommodation options in and around the German city.

Some of the IMEX team took an extended day trip to Frankfurt earlier this year to sample hidden coffee shops, bars, museums and parks in the city. They share memories and tips here.

IMEX in Frankfurt takes place 21 -23 May 2019. Registration for the show is free of charge and open to all who work in the meetings, events and incentive travel industry. EduMonday, its pre-show day of learning and development, is on 20 May (no charge to attend) at Kap Europa next to Messe Frankfurt. 

 

Travel News | eTurboNews

Canadian tourist falls to his death from Chiang Mai zipline after safety locks brake

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A visitor from Canada fell to his death from a zipline in the northern province of Chiang Mai on Saturday.

Thai rescue officials said the 25-year-old tourist died while riding a zipline in a forest at the popular tourist destination Mae Kam Pong. His safety locks broke, causing him to plunge more than 50 meters into a creek. He died at the scene.

Zipline operator Flight of the Gibbon said it would take full responsibility and compensate the victim’s family.

Workers at the zipline service said the safety locks broke shortly after the tourist, who reportedly weighed about 400 pounds (180 kilograms), took off from the starting point. One Hawaiian zipline operator puts its maximum weight limit at 260 pounds, or around 118 kilograms.

The operator’s website states that people weighing more than 275 pounds (125 kilograms) are not allowed to ride. It is not immediately clear why the tourist was allowed to do so.

Maj. Gen. Pichate Jiranantasin, provincial police chief, said the operator has been charged with fatal negligence for allowing such a heavy person on the ride.

Police suspect that the safety equipment could not hold his weight, adding that they found only three cables installed to hold customers, while there would normally be at least eight lines of cables to ensure safety.

Since 2016, Chiang Mai officials promised to improve safety standards of the many adventure tourism sites in the province following a string of serious or fatal accidents – including accidents at this very zipline operator.

Flight of the Gibbon was ordered a temporary shut down after three Israeli tourists were injured after colliding into one another on the zipline and falling to the ground.

The same company had also been investigated in 2017 for having some of its properties built on protected forest land.

Chiang Mai’s zipline fatalities last happened in 2015, when two Chinese tourists died after falling from two separate zipline attractions, operated by Skyline Adventure and Flying Squirrels. Another Chinese tourist was injured while riding the Flying Squirrels’ zipline in 2016.

Travel News | eTurboNews

The perplexing search for purplicious luggage and the perils of windmills

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April is Stress Awareness Month, but it is also National Humor Month, so I thought I’d go out on a limb and talk about something that stresses a travel bargain’s aficionado. I have Scandinavian blood, so just like the Vikings, I have a natural inclination to go out and explore the world. But I’m part Scottish, so I don’t want to pay for it.

I watch google flights like a hawk – I grab dirt-cheap first-class tickets when I see the price drop to the $500 range from Honolulu to anywhere in the Great Lakes region. First class comes with 2 bags per person, up to 70 pounds per suitcase. I have 400 Aloha-themed Christmas cards I bought for 75 to 90 percent off in January, plus all kinds of other Hawaiiana treasures to take back to the mainland.

My perplexing search for Parisian goods at Scottish prices yielded over 100 possibilities on Facebook Marketplace; however, every single seller I encountered was a scam artist. Everything I looked at was counterfeit Louis Vuitton brought over from Shanghai where the seller probably paid $20 for each piece. The Facebook ads read “Authentic Louis Vuitton,” but upon inspection, it only took 30 seconds to see these were illegal knockoffs. Realistically, what real person buys 10 Louis Vuitton suitcases for $2,700 each, then turns around and sells them for $1,000 each on Marketplace before even using them once? Nobody does that. But people do buy $20 counterfeit Louis Vuitton items in China, then illegally sell them to unsuspecting Facebook buyers in Hawaii – at an obscene mark up.

So I turned to a reputable store, one which is very popular in the American South, called Belk. They specialize in products that Baptist women with really big hair love to purchase. At least that’s what my Baptist aunts with 3-feet tall hair told me. You know, the taller the hair, the closer to God.

I found a great bargain: purple luggage set of 3, regularly $160, on clearance for $19.99. The description says the luggage “is featured in a vibrant purple hue so you never have to worry about your belongings or loosing [sic] your luggage on the baggage claim belt.” What exactly does that imply? Is it such a hideous shade of purple that nobody would caught dead with it? I don’t mind purple – the symbol of Scotland is the purple thistle, so with a few decals and gaudy embellishments they would make the perfect accessory for a red hat lady or a gay Scot.

I know a lot of women who love purple. The last time I bought a suitcase from the Aloha Swap Meet, it was purple, with hibiscus, and had the words “Aloha” and “Hawaii” printed on it. After using it to fly to Detroit, I placed an ad to sell it online – and it sold in under one minute.  So maybe purple suitcases would be something I should carefully reconsider, especially if they are prone to getting brodied by big-haired women.

When I read Belk’s small print for this item I noticed the warning: “This product may contain chemicals known to the State of California to cause Cancer and Reproductive Harm.” Are they referring to pregnant women, or are they referring to my little soldiers under the category of “reproductive harm”?  I have to keep my little soldiers unharmed just in case Dolly Parton asks me to marry her. I know she’s 73 and probably has no plan to reproduce with me, but she’s got big hair and she would really appreciate my Pride of Dixie Belk luggage. And she’s the only woman on the planet who could turn me straight. Well, maybe Jane Seymour could, but I’d need to consult my shrink first. The $64,000 question, or the $19.99 question: are the purple suitcases worth getting cancer?

There has been much buzz about Mr. President’s announcement that windmills cause cancer. I guess that’s why all the people in Holland are dead. He said it had something to do with the spinning motion.  Now, these suitcases are “spinners” meaning you can spin them 360 degrees.

I’m Scottish by culture, but my DNA is Scandinavian. Scandinavians always place a high value on safety, which is why I bought a Volvo C70 convertible. Being both Scandinavian and Scottish led me to a great existential crisis – who am I – a cheap Scot or a safety-conscious Scandinavian? Is the bargain worth the stress of possibly getting cancer?

For a few minutes I pondered the issue. Maybe the cancer was caused by the spinning action. I thought, well, if I spin them backwards, would it cure cancer?

Having lost both grandmothers to cerebral tumors, I have a lot of emotional baggage when it comes to that topic. Except for basal cell carcinoma (a common problem for blue-eyed blond Scandinavians living in Hawaii) I have lived pretty much unscathed by cancer’s evil.

In the end, the Scandinavian “safety first” side of me won out. As much as I love bargains, I might have gotten more than I bargained for from this luggage set. There is always the Aloha Stadium Swap Meet to top off my 280 pound (4 suitcases) first-class checked-baggage allowance.  Any excuse to go to the Swap Meet is a Scot’s delight.

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